So, you may have noticed a few changes with the layout. While I was thinking of what to write for our final design report (ie. procrastinating), I decided to fix things up a bit. When I started this blog, I didn’t have nearly as many archives and categories to put on the side. (I think eventually I’ll be forced to put them in a drop-down box, but it doesn’t look as nice, so I’ll leave them like that while I still can). I also decided to include a list of songs that are permanently stuck in my head these days, so maybe I can transfer them into your brain instead.
Last week, I was still thinking about how “life’s good”, school is ending soon, days aren’t too stressful… and then Thursday hit. A bunch of projects got assigned. Thesis meetings got scheduled. Everywhere I go, I see the word “DUE”. And yet, I know I can get through it – if I put everything aside and really focus for the next three weeks. There’s only three weeks of classes left anyway! No matter how you cut it though, it’s still stressful.
Speaking of classes ending soon, we had our formal grad dinner on Saturday. It definitely brought a lot of things into perspective. Certainly, there’s the usual ‘we had a good time’, but we also watched the grad video, reminisced through the valedictorian speech, and made our toasts to the future. It was really just weird, to say the least. When I went to Osaka, I knew I would be there for a short three months, so every day I reminded myself to make the best of my time there. But here in Toronto, it felt like I was trapped here forever. Four years is a long time, and yet now when I look back, it feels like no time at all.
I have been so excited to be done with school, and I’m still excited, but there’s just something missing… Closure. With high school graduation, we were all stepping into the next stage of our lives, and despite not being physically together, we still knew where each one of us would end up. Right now, I feel this emptiness because I know nothing about what’s ahead (aside from a month to be spent in Europe). It’s like university just wants me to be done and then kicks me out. I’m almost angry at the thought of it.
Don’t get me wrong though; I’m not worried about my future. I don’t mind taking a break to just relax while I figure out what’s next. It’s just enraging that I have achieved so much over four years, yet this city/school makes me feel like I have achieved nothing. This city is like that annoying kid that picks a fight with me, and I’ve invested four years to do everything I can to show that I’m better. It’s a close match, but I’ve put my heart and soul into it, and came up with my fair share of victories. Now I’m finally down to the last round with the upper hand, and next thing you know, they say the fight’s off. Nobody is watching, nothing even matters. Closure… it’s such an abstract concept to wish for, and yet without it, you question yourself “Who I am anyway? What do I matter?”. When I left high school, I was a bright student with many teachers trusting in a promising future ahead for me. In a few weeks, I’ll be out of university as just a small small girl in a big big world.
Perspective. That’s the second thing I wanted to write about. See, I call myself a blogger (not a very professional one, but I’ve invested enough time to earn that title I think), and I go on about my rambles. I live life and I tell you about it. I think interesting thoughts and form words around these thoughts, hoping someone will find some enlightenment with my words. And yet, I don’t actually invest that much time in reading other people’s work. My thoughts mostly come from personal first-hand experiences, with some interesting conversations here and there.
So with my sister headed to Bhutan on Friday, I finally opened up her blog for Global Perspectives for the first time and read about her journey over the past eight months. I realized how similar we are, with some posts that talk about “here’s what I’ve been doing”, and other posts that really hit a point. And her points aren’t like mine – you know, random things that just pop up in life. Her entire course is on global perspectives, and so she learns about a lot of ongoing issues in this world: poverty, famine, and first and foremost, ignorance. It made me think of a lot of things, and it shone a guilty flashlight into my life. But most importantly, it made me realize how mature my (baby) sister really is, and how great she is for having such passion in these issues that so many people in the world choose to ignore.
In the end, I think that’s what writers aim to do: bring a new perspective into the same topic that we’ve all seen time and time again. After all, that’s the cycle of life. We might be driving cars instead of carriages, but history overlooks all that and repeats itself nonetheless. There is never a ‘new’, there is only a ‘different’.
And today, the perspective is… Who am I?
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
P.S. Photo credits to Fang Su, neither of these pictures are from my own camera.